If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?

AnonymousMaybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it.

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.

Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. It’s scary when it disappears.

Never let your best friends get lonely… keep disturbing them.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.

They say “don’t try this at home” so I’m coming over to your house to try it.

At night, I can’t fall asleep. In the morning, I can’t get up.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

My goal this weekend is to move… just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.